Confession: I Wanna Get Buff

I promised to talk more about my change in perspective about my workouts, so here goes.


I've never really felt the need to be in great shape. And I never have been! I've been skinny and not-as-skinny, and I've usually been in decently good shape. I've exercised throughout most of my life, with a couple spotty teenage years where I'd go a few months at a time being slothful. I've also always been a fairly good eater, though my eating habits certainly got better after I went vegan almost 2 1/2 years ago. People have usually thought that I'm athletic, because my body type puts on muscle pretty well and I have freakishly low blood pressure (thanks, Mom!). I'm not actually good at any athletic endeavors, however (thanks again, Mom!).

But as I was saying, I've never needed to be in great shape. I've wanted to be skinny, and I've wanted to be healthy. Right now I wouldn't say I'm skinny, but I think I'm "fine" and I'm healthy. I'm not at my lowest or highest weight.

In case you've forgotten what I look like, this is me wearing shorts a couple weeks ago:


And from a recent Fashion Friday post


I've been thinner:


(Fall 2009)

And fatter:


(Spring 2007) Ohh, freshman year of college, I do not miss you. Not at all. Plus, this is me pre-vegan. I do not miss those pre-vegan days, either!

BTW... I have no idea why I'm posting these pictures. I just got the desire to be all honest and open and I'll probably regret this tomorrow. In fact, I already regret putting up that last picture. But I love it so much when other bloggers are honest to the point of embarrassment, so I guess I'll do it to myself, too. But no promises I won't take this down someday.

I've always felt like I'm not the kind of person to be in great shape. I think there's two reasons for this:

1) Confidence (or lack thereof) -- Not wanting to push myself is part of a lack of confidence in myself. Most people who know me would characterize me as extremely confident, because I am, but I have often lacked body confidence. Not a strange thing for young women, I know.

2) Self-Acceptance. Here's the other side of the die -- I am good enough. I like myself. I think I'm pretty and healthy and I don't want to feel bad about myself.

But I recently starting thinking, is "good enough" the best I can do? Why should I settle for good enough? I only have ONE LIFE. This is all I get. So I'd like to try being all that I can be!

This doesn't mean I've set out a big plan for myself. I'm really good at making extensive plans and not as good at keeping up with them. So instead of a whole new plan, I'm just focusing on a different goal and letting that inform what I do. Instead of exercising and eating just to stay healthy and happy like I have been, I'm going to work towards really getting in shape. That primarily means stepping up my weight-lifting, which is something I enjoy, anyway, but had been inconsistent with. I haven't been pushing myself, mostly because I lost interest in being skinny. I don't know why, it just doesn't interest me much right now. I'd much rather see if I can get some definition in my arms and uncover my abs. Now that would be fun. But this does not mean I will start running. I hate running. Running can go screw itself.

So, that's all. I'm sure I'll write more later as I figure out what this means, but for now all I know is that I'm admitting to myself and you that I want something more and I'm going to work for it.


Workout:
Morning:
15 minutes bike
20 minutes ballet
Strength/weights: quads, hamstrings, inner/outer thigh (Pilates), squats, abs, lower back
stretching

Evening:
10 minutes bike
10 minutes kickboxing
stretching

My deltoids and biceps are suuuper sore from yesterday, and the groin muscle I pulled in my sleep last week was twingeing a little bit so I stretched quite a bit. I probably spent 45 minutes or so just stretching.

Food Diary:
Breakfast: Steamed veggie bowl (just like last night's dinner) - fat-free refried beans, broccoli slaw, broccoli, cauliflower, sauerkraut, sprouts, pico de gallo
Lunch: 1 Dr. Praeger's patty, 1 serving edamame, 1 serving Dal Mix, coffee
Dinner: Salad - spinach, arugula, sauerkraut, sprouts, mustard, pico de gallo, TJ's fat-free balsamic vinaigrette, Dal Mix
Snack: 1/3 cup oatmeal with peanut flour and flax
1 cup chocolate almond milk (unsweetened almond milk, 1 tsp cocoa powder, and stevia, put into a jar with a lid and shaken vigorously)



By the way... encouragement and commiseration are welcomed. Telling me I need to start running is not. I wasn't joking about that part.

=)

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